A Moment of Clarity

Every time I fall on my face in emotions, I usually have a tendency to pick myself up, brush it off, move on for a moment and then I fall yet again. After my last post, I received so many encouraging words of support. My two best friends in Michigan even sent me flowers to help get me out of the dumps. For days I cried more, I worried more and I couldn’t stop thinking about the future. But where was Lola in all of this? As I was grieving over a diagnosis, I had my beautiful daughter right there in my arms. And while she may not see me the way I had envisioned her to see me, I’m certain she could feel my bad energy. What am I grieving over? A life for my daughter I had planned out? What did that even include? I used to laugh at mothers who were planning what school their kid would go to even before the kid made its physical appearance. Yet here I was getting upset over the unknowns. Will she be crawling by Christmas? Will she go to a regular school or a special education school? Will she get made fun of if she is different? Will she ever look at me? All of these bullshit thoughts just tainting my mind. How unfair to Lola. How unfair to a little girl that did not choose to have a brain abnormality nor did she choose to have seizures that set her back. I’m embarrassed to say, but this was all about me. My feelings, my wants, my hopes, my dreams. It was no longer about Lola. It was my own selfishness that couldn’t accept this reality because it is simply not what I had envisioned when I dreamed of having a baby. Shame on me. Who cares if Lola crawls by Christmas? All it means is less trouble near the Christmas tree plus I know she’ll crawl when she is ready to. Does it really matter what type of school she goes to? Learning is what is most important so we will make sure she is in the right environment to help her excel. Made fun of? Hell I was made fun of and I never had a brain abnormality. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a person in this world who hasn’t been made fun of. Our job will simply be to teach Lola how to react to such situations. Lola may or may not look at me the way I want her to. But again it’s my wants and that’s not what matters. If she doesn’t look at me, she will know who I am by my voice, my scent and by the way she feels my face. She may experience the world in a different way and how lucky that I get to see the world through her perspective.

So no more worrying about the future. No more wondering about the what if’s. No more putting Lola in a category. I have begged the world to not judge her based on her limitations yet here I was as her own mother putting limitations on her. She could go on to do wondrous things in her life. Her vision could kick in and she could be the smartest damn kid in her class. Or her life might take a different path. Her vision may never be repaired and she may live life as a blind person. She could have mental handicaps that restrain her, but that does not mean she is to ever be held back. It’s her life to be lived as she sees fit, not for me to plan out for her.

So for now, I’m going to enjoy Lola as a baby. I’ve been so busy with her therapy, her medication schedule, watching for progress, keeping an eye out for seizures that I haven’t stopped to enjoy what I do have. I have this amazing little baby that I get to spend my days with. She loves to smile, she loves to play, she loves to snuggle, she loves music and lately she loves to chew on everything in arms reach. How can I let worries interfere with the pure joy I get when I hear my baby babbling in the other room? I need to embrace this time, remember it, hold it tightly because we only have today and that is how I am going to start living. My child isn’t going anywhere. She does not have a progressive disease or a terminal illness. If anything, she can only get better and that’s what I need to focus on. I know I’ve said it before, but damnit I mean it this time. I’m done grieving. I’m done looking at my little girl as if something is different about her. She’s not like other babies and nor do I want her to be. She is Lola. She is exactly who she was meant to be. She is exactly who was meant to be in my life. She is my daughter and I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

[quote style=”1″]Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown[/quote]